Mario Kart Tour Is A Joke and I'm Not Surprised

Ever since the rumors of a mobile Mario Kart game started roughly eleven years ago, I knew they'd manage to screw it up. If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. That applies perfectly to this. SO, here are the major things that make me sad.

You have to sign in with your Nintendo account. Great, I don't have a Nintendo account and I don't want to make one to play a mobile game. It's not a real problem, just annoying to me is all. To add on to the frustration, those who tried to play the game right as it dropped were met with a maintenance screen. Maybe save maintenance for a little bit later? People are trying to play the game.

Touch controls are okay, but it feels too mobileish. Swipe left and right to turn, tap to use an item. Would've preferred on screen buttons myself. They have applied a lootbox type mechanic. By this I mean that it's not technically a lootbox, but you get random characters by pulling on a warp pipe and it shoots out whoever you won. So it's a lootbox disguised as a pipe, and not very well.

Now for the real kicker. We can give them a pass on the okay gameplay. BUT, we can't give them a pass on their awful micro-transactions. Not only is there a premium currency by the name of "Rubies" that will cost you upwards of 69.99 for the largest pack, but there is a subscription based element too! That's right! For the low low price of 4.99 a month you can unlock more in game rewards and even unlock the 200cc mode!!!! How exciting. Mediocre gameplay hidden behind a paywall. A paywall that will cost you money per month instead of just one consistent price. Boy oh boy that's what we're looking for in our Nintendo games! BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! They're also pawning off what's called the "New York Set" for 19.99 which includes forty five rubies, Mario as a playable character, and five star tickets.

I get that it's a mobile game. It should be expected that there'd be some sort of monetization aspects to the game. But at the same time, Nintendo had the chance to make people happy. They could've charged 19.99 for the whole game and people would've gobbled that right up. But instead they went in this direction and it's just frustrating. On top of all this, there is no multiplayer. ITS MARIO KART! THAT'S THE BEST PART! They're adding it in later, but good lord if I'm going to spend fifteen grand to get all the content plus five bucks a month the least you can do is give me some god damn multiplayer. You'd think after seeing EA go through what they went through with Star Wars Battlefront II that companies would realize that people don't like shitty gotcha mechanics. We don't want content hidden in lootboxes or warp pipes or crates or packs anymore. That fad is done, we don't like it. So thank you Nintendo. Thank you for getting peoples hopes up and delivering this pile of literal dog shit. Let's all hope this type of garbage doesn't spill over into our switch games.

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